They May Not Mean To, But They Do

Here is a novel that explores a topic very much at the forefront of every baby boomer's social conversations.  We are not of the age yet to talk about our own aches and pains. But if we are lucky enough to have parents who are still alive, we are discussing our guilt and the troubles taking care of them as they decline in health and mental acuity.  Being apart of the sandwich generation is filled with both happiness that we still have family to get together with for holidays and other celebrations, but frustration that there are demands on us as our parents age and guilt about how we are handling it. Do we take them into our lives and fit them in between our work and social life?  Do we put them in assisted living or let them age in place at home?  Though you may not think this is a topic for an enjoyable novel, Cathleen Schine has written this story so well that you do not want to put it down. She has made the characters so believable that there is someone in the book every reader can relate to. 

Joy is the matriarch who is going through the loss of her husband, Aaron, as he slowly declines with alzheimer's complicated by cancer and a colostomy bag.  Joy is determined to take care of him in their apartment until the end which takes a great toll on her health also.

Molly is the daughter who has moved the furthest away.  Having divorced her husband, she has found a new relationship and career in California.  She has left her parents in their New York City apartment and her brother close enough to be the one who can stop by for a short visit.  She feels guilty that she lives so far away, but relieved also when she can get away and go back to her separate world.  Molly has a grown son, Ben, by her first marriage, who comes to stay with Grandma, for awhile, after she is alone. 

Daniel, the son, lives in New York with his wife and two young daughters.  Daniel's wife and children give us the perspective from the point of view of the in-law and grandchildren.  They also are struggling with their Judaism. So as the novel progresses Ruby, the oldest  granddaughter, is exploring her Judaism and preparing for Bat Mitzvah.  The daughter in law, Coco, thinks at one point about how this life experience can be used a teaching moment for  her children,  "Coco said nothing.  She was thinking about her own old age.  Would Cora and Ruby want her to come and live with them when the time came?  She would set a good example."  So Coco tries to be understanding of her mother-in-law and even suggests they invite her to move in with them.

To round out the plot Molly is now married to Freddie, a woman who also has a parent living in assisted living near them in Los Angeles.  Freddie and her siblings, of which there are many, have very different family dynamics with their father.  Their family thread, though not the main storyline, presents a different view of family and aging parents. 

Molly and Daniel talk to their parents on the phone constantly and try to help Joy as she is taking care of Aaron.  They try to offer advice and suggest caretakers coming into the apartment.  Joy resists as long as she can until her health is also compromised. From her point of view the children are trying to take away her autonomy.  She is still working as a conservation consultant at a small museum on the Lower East Side.  But, as the computer and technology get more advanced, Joy was being left behind there also.  Her new boss is changing the department and squeezing her out.  "...Joy had begun to identify with her artifacts, out of date, obsolete, left behind."  Joy is struggling with her own identity, still wanting to feel important and needed. 

Cathleen Schine captures that adult child guilt so wonderfully in They May Not Mean To, But They Do.   When I read the title on the bookshelf I thought the meaning would be that parents do something to their children, like making them feel guilty to drive them crazy.  I thought it would be a book that would justify my feelings that my parents have always been the crazy ones, not me.   The title is taken from a favorite poem of the author by Philip Larkin called This Be The Verse which starts out, "They f**k you up, your mum and dad.   They may not mean to, but they do.   They fill you with the faults they had.  And add some extra, just for you."  But Schine turns the verse on its head in the novel and has Joy the mother in this story deliver the line from the parent's point of view.  Her son, Daniel suggests she get a dog when she mentions she is lonely and her daughter Molly suggests she go out more.

"When Joy said her head was muddled and she sometimes was so tired she could not breathe, but so worried about the cost of the caretakers that she could not sleep. Molly suggested she go to the 92nd Street Y's poetry readings.  Poetry.  

They meant well, they did.  But they f**k you up your son and daughter, Joy thought, pleased with her clever Philip Larkin allusion, 92nd Street Y or no 92nd Street Y.  They many not mean to but they do."

There were a few times as I was reading this novel that I asked myself why I would continue to read a book that hit so close to home on a subject that when you are living it may not seem funny, but Schine does try to point out some of the humor in the everyday life that you may not be able to see when you are involved but if you stand back seems just crazy enough to laugh at.  Maybe after reading this novel each of us living with a similar experience will be able to step back and see some humor in our own situations.  It can also be a comfort that our stories are not that unusual.  That maybe we also have material in our everyday lives that could be written down as a story someday.