The Course of Love

Alain De Botton writes what seems to be both a novel and a self help book here, in The Course of Love.   We are drawn in by the story of Rabih and Kirstein as they negotiate their meeting, courtship and eventual marriage and family.  But as we read about their relationship, in all its intimate details, there is also a running commentary interspersed throughout the storyline.  This could almost be the voice of a therapist interjecting a narrative of how each person is contributing to the interactions. How their personal interpretations of each action feed both the good and bad parts of the relationship.

As you read this book you cannot help but put yourself into each situation.  You will see yourself siding with or recognizing similarities with one of the two, Rabih or Kerstein.  Then you will read the italic commentary and see how if one of the two or both had said what was really going through their minds at the time the conversation could take a different direction or tone.  You will wonder if that is possible in your personal relationships.  Does this theory work in real life.  Can each partner open up and trust their partner with such honesty?  Can you even really know yourself to understand what experiences from your past have led you to this moment and reaction in this situation?

Rabih and Kerstein enter into this established practice we call marriage.  You meet someone that is attractive to you and you don't want to loose them or be alone anymore so you propose marriage. Botton tells us that marriage is, "a hopeful, generous, infinitely kind gamble taken by two people who don't know yet who they are or who the other might be, binding themselves to a future they cannot conceive of and have carefully omitted to investigate."

While reading the book the reader can relate to the thoughts and feelings this couple expounds while dating and then entering marriage.  They have disagreements over the temperature in the bedroom at night.  Whether the window should be open or closed.   Then they go to IKEA to pick out drinking glasses and cannot agree on the style.  At each of these turns the narrator/therapist examines the words not said, the feelings not explored and explains how the discussions would be different if each partner trusted the other enough to be able to share their real feelings and thoughts.  The conversations would have a different outcome, the relationship would change.

So in reading The Course of Love, you are reading a novel about two people living life, with all the ups and downs that every marriage with children goes through.   You can also read the commentary about love and marriage as if you are in a "course on love", trying to take home the positive lessons to improve your own personal relationship.